The NPC Reports: Final Fantasy VI
by NPC Reporter
Summary: Roy Marcus, reporter extraordinaire, interviews the NPCs of Final Fantasy! Written by Guineverekoopa, edited by SilverGato.


The NPC Reports: Final Fantasy VI  
  
Disclaimer: Guin and Sandy own Roy Marcus, Gregoski, E.D.E, Frankie, the Woman, the Other Woman, the goblin, and the NPC Rap (Fenix Down). Guin and Sandy do not own FFVI, the town of Maranda, or any related concepts.  
  
Roy's Narration: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! Today, I'll be taking you to a very special NPC in the town of Maranda. Edward Darren Evans is an aspiring rapper, and I'm going to be the first to interview him. That's right, me.  
  
(The camera zooms in on a grassy square in the middle of a town. A teenage boy is standing on a soapbox, busting some rhymes. He's a white boy, with spiked black hair with bleached tips. He's wearing black sunglasses, a black vest over a red shirt, and baggy blue jeans. A crowd is surrounding him, watching his act. A very short, scrawny, blonde man, wearing a suit and large round glasses, runs onscreen and attempts to run through the crowd.)  
  
Roy: Excuse me! Miss, excuse me, I--  
  
(Somebody shoves him back and he falls. He picks himself up and dusts himself off.)  
  
Roy: Marandans are so rude.  
  
(He takes out the shotgun that he acquired during his previous report, and attempts to walk through the crowd. This time, they part for him. He stops at the head of the crowd and puts the gun away.)  
  
Roy: Much better.  
  
(Edward finishes his rap, bows to the crowd, and steps down. The crowd disperses. The kid starts walking away, but Roy runs in front of him and stops him.)  
  
Roy: Hello, Edward, I'm Roy Marcus, and--  
  
Edward: That's E.D.E.  
  
Roy: Eddie?  
  
Edward: Close enough.  
  
Roy: Okay. Eddie, I'm Roy Marcus, and I'm here to interview you.  
  
Edward: Um...okay...  
  
Roy: What's it like being an NPC here in Maranda?  
  
Edward: Uh, okay, I guess...  
  
Roy: What made you decide that you wanted to throw off the shackles of single-sentence NPC-ism and become a rapper?  
  
Edward: Well, from a young age I always had a talent for rhyming. It just sort of happened.  
  
Roy: I see... Now--  
  
(Somebody runs up to Edward, completely ignoring Roy, and in fact shoving him down to get to Edward. The somebody is a tall, muscular kid, around Edward's age, wearing a black sleeveless shirt and baggy jeans. No sunglasses on him, but he's got blonde, spiked hair.)  
  
???: Hey, E.D.E.! Nice performance you put on today! For a WOMAN!  
  
Edward: Shut up, Frankie! I ain't seen you bust a rhyme in front of crowd yet!  
  
(Roy picks himself up and dusts himself off, then looks up at the newcomer, Frankie, as he adjusts his glasses.)  
  
Roy: Excuse me--  
  
Frankie: That's cuz you're too busy hoggin' the limelight, ya $#^%@!  
  
Edward: What did you call me?  
  
Roy: Excu--  
  
Frankie: You heard me!  
  
Edward: No, I don't think I did!  
  
Roy: (sigh)...  
  
(He pulls out his shotgun again, and both boys freeze and stare at him.)  
  
Roy: Please don't ignore me. As I was saying, I was trying to interview Eddie. If you want to talk to him, please wait your turn.  
  
Frankie: Whoa, dude! Put that thing down!  
  
(Roy, keeping the gun trained on Frankie, turns back to Edward.)  
  
Roy: So, Eddie. As I was saying. What's your biggest inspiration?  
  
Edward: My mother, and my little sister. They've supported me so much through all of this, through Dad's death and everything...  
  
Roy: Your father's death?  
  
Edward: Yeah, he was stationed in Doma when Kefka poisoned the water.  
  
Roy: Oh. How tragic...  
  
(Edward shrugs.)  
  
Edward: We're dealing.  
  
Frankie: Um...dude? Could you please put the gun down?  
  
Roy: Huh? Oh! Oh, god, I'm sorry!  
  
(He puts the gun away.)  
  
Roy: Forgive me, I just got out of a rather bad situation a while back. I had to shoot a lot of stuff.  
  
Frankie: ... You're a freak, dude. You're one of E.D.E.'s friends, aren't you? That's it, E.D.E., I'm calling the cops on this guy!  
  
Edward: Uh...okay.  
  
(Frankie runs off.)  
  
Roy: ... So who was that?  
  
Edward: My rival rapper, Frankie Humice. I'm better than he is.  
  
Roy: I'm sure you are! Anyway, I wanted to ask--  
  
(Suddenly, soldiers run up and surround Roy.)  
  
Roy: ...Uh...  
  
Cop: Put the gun down!  
  
Roy: But this was hard-earned in Raccoon City!  
  
Cop: Where? ... Never mind! Men, get 'im!  
  
(The cops jump Roy, and he's cuffed and led off. Edward shrugs and walks offscreen. The camera follows Roy, who's protesting and struggling, but one of the cops looks at the camera.)  
  
Cop: You! You can't come! Official police business.  
  
(The camera stops, turns around, and you can see the cameraman holding it, talking into it. The cameraman is a tall, lanky guy, kinda pale, with square wire-timmed glasses and black hair, not spiked but almost there. Kind of a wind-tossed look.)  
  
Cameraman: Gregorski the cameraman, here. Looks like I'm on my own for this now. It's my job to save Roy. But first, I must assemble a party of heroes, go on a meaningless sidequest, and then come back and bust him out of jail! Mission starts now!  
  
(The camera turns back onto the grassy square, and Gregorski runs up to some random guy.)  
  
Gregorski: (from behind the camera) Hey, do you know how to work a camera?  
  
Guy: Uh, sure.  
  
Gregorski: Great! You can help!  
  
(The camera's thrust into the other guy's hands, and he picks it up and turns it onto Gregorski.)  
  
Gregorski: Okay! Now that we've got a new cameraman, let's go get our heroes! That rapper kid might help.  
  
(He runs off.)  
  
Guy: Hey, wait a minute! Ah...  
  
(The screen shifts now to Gregorski running up to Edward, somewhere on the streets.)  
  
Gregorski: Yo, E.D.E!  
  
Edward: Huh?  
  
(He stops and turns around.)  
  
Edward: Hey, you're that reporter's cameraman, aren't you?  
  
Gregorski: Yup, Gregorski! Look, I need help busting Roy outta jail. Wanna help me out?  
  
Edward: Well, I'd love to, but you see, I'm an NPC.  
  
Gregorski: Uh...yeah... So?  
  
Edward: And do you know what that means?  
  
Gregorski: Um...you're non-playable?  
  
Edward: I'll tell you. In handy-dandy rap form.  
  
(Edward strikes a pose, and suddenly the light fades into a single spotlight on him. Gregorski looks confused.)  
  
Edward: I call this one Fenix Down!  
  
(He starts singing)  
  
Edward: Fenix Down meh, old skool  
  
Sprite animation is totally cool  
  
I'm a clone of a guy the next corner over  
  
We're all clones but don't blow our cover  
  
My shirt is green, that means I'm damn weak  
  
But my homie in blue demands respect when he speaks  
  
If you mess with us, you'd better think twice  
  
We'll FIRE2 your ass before you can cough up your ICE  
  
If I go first that's the way it'll stay  
  
The battle order's set 'til you wimps run away  
  
You're stoned when you're gray, and it ain't from the weed  
  
Your glowing red aura means you're spelled up with speed  
  
But I can't equip, and I can't use items  
  
When I come across monsters, run don't fight 'em  
  
When I get in battle I'm like a damn fool  
  
You're gonna hafta Fenix Down meh, OLD SKOOL!  
  
(He bows to the camera, and the light goes back to normal.)  
  
Gregorski: ... Okay. Come on, help!  
  
(He grabs Edward's arm and runs off.)  
  
Edward: Hey! Wait a minute there!  
  
Cameraguy: Stop running!  
  
(The screen shifts now to the outside of the jailhouse. Gregorski runs up to the doors, still dragging Edward behind him. The camera follows him into the jailhouse. A cop steps in front of him when he tries to run down the hall.)  
  
Gregorski: Outta my way! I need to talk to Roy Marcus!  
  
Cop: Who?  
  
Gregorski: The scrawny guy with the glasses!  
  
Cop: Oh, him. Okay. Right down there.  
  
Gregorski: Uh...okay. Thanks.  
  
(He blinks, then runs down the corridor, still dragging Edward, with the camera still following him. He finally stops in front of a cell, and the camera turns and focuses on the inside of the cell. Roy's in there, sitting on the bench, looking annoyed.)  
  
Gregorski: Roy, my man!  
  
(Roy looks up.)  
  
Roy: Greg!  
  
(He jumps to his feet and runs to the bars.)  
  
Roy: Are you here to help me out? They don't believe me about the whole Raccoon City thing!  
  
Gregorski: Well, we need to go on a pointless sidequest first, but yeah, we're gonna help you out!  
  
Roy: Huh? Why?  
  
Gregorski: Cuz you're my buddy!  
  
Roy: No, the pointless sidequest.  
  
Gregorski: Look, do I ask you why you had to solve a rubix cube to get out of a police headquarters?  
  
Roy: ...  
  
Gregorski: I'll see ya later, Roy!  
  
(He runs off, still dragging Edward behind him.)  
  
Roy: Tell my wife I love her! If only I had a wife...  
  
(The camera switches now to another random part of the city. Gregorski's standing in the middle of the scene, looking around. Edward's trying to rub the circulation back into his wrist.)  
  
Gregorski: There!  
  
(He points, and runs over to a woman talking to another woman. The camera follows him, and Edward walks up behind him, at a much slower pace.)  
  
Woman: I lost my tennis racket in the woods yesterday!  
  
Other Woman: That's horrible!  
  
Gregorski: Aha! There's our quest!  
  
Edward: No, there's a woman who's not very smart.  
  
Gregorski: Come, friends! Let us locate this woman's tennis racket and return it to her!  
  
Edward: (sigh) ...  
  
Gregoski: To the woods!  
  
(He runs off again. Camera shifts to the woods. Gregorski's looking around on the ground for the tennis racket, and Edward's looking up into the trees.)  
  
Edward: Hey, is that a spider? That reminds me of a rap--  
  
Gregorski: No time! Find racket!  
  
Edward: Well, no, you see--  
  
Gregorski: No TIME! Must hurry!  
  
(A goblin dressed in grey sweatpants and a white tank top walks by, carrying a tennis racket over its shoulder.)  
  
Gregorski: There! That must be that woman's tennis racket!  
  
Goblin: Wha? No, this mine! I buy it in city! Hands off!  
  
(It hisses and brandishes the racket at them.)  
  
Gregorski: Come on, let's fight it!  
  
Edward: Do you even have a weapon?  
  
Gregorski: Uh...yes.  
  
Edward: What?  
  
Gregorski: My mad camera skills.  
  
Edward: That's not really a weapon...  
  
Gregorski: Oh yeah? Here, give me that!  
  
(He takes the camera from the random guy, and focuses on the goblin. The goblin stares into the camera for a long tome, before finally it breaks down sobbing.)  
  
Goblin: Mad filming skills... I weak versus mad filming skills!  
  
(It throws down the tennis racket and runs away, still crying.)  
  
Gregorski: (from behind camera) Booya, baby!  
  
(He hands the camera back to the other guy, who holds it upside down as he's filming. Gregorski leans down, picks up the racket, and grins.)  
  
Gregorski: Okay! Let's go give this back to that lady, and then bust Roy out of jail!  
  
(The camera fades back on that screen with the Woman and the Other Woman. The camera's right-side up again. Gregorski walks up to the woman and hands the tennis racket to her.)  
  
Woman: Oh! My tennis racket! Thank you, young man!  
  
Gregoski: All in a day's work, Ma'am!  
  
Woman: Let me reward you for this kind service.  
  
(She leans forward and slips her arm around Gregorski's waist. He leans away from her, kind of panicking.)  
  
Gregorski: Uh, look, lady, I've got a girlfri--  
  
Woman: Take this! Please!  
  
(Out of nowhere, Gregorski's now wearing Platinum Armour. The Woman steps away and turns back to talk to the Other Woman.)  
  
Gregorski: Huh?  
  
Edward: Dude! Platinum Armour! You be bling-blingin', dawg!  
  
Gregorski: Well...that was interesting... I really hope Kalinka doesn't see that footage...  
  
Edward: We ready to go save your friend yet?  
  
Gregorski: Oh yeah! Let's go!  
  
(He runs off and the camera shifts to the jail again. Roy's in the doorway, talking politely to the cop, as Gregorski runs onscreen.)  
  
Roy: Well, I'm glad that misunderstanding's been cleared up. Sorry to waste your time, officers!  
  
(He turns, and runs straight into Gregorski. Both fall down.)  
  
Roy: Owww...  
  
(He drags himself to his feet, and looks down at Gregorski.)  
  
Roy: Greg? Wow, what's with the shiny metal stuff?  
  
Gregorski: Some lady gave me Platinum Armour! Can you help me up? It's kinda heavy.  
  
(Roy helps Gregorski to his feet.)  
  
Gregorski: So...what are you doing out of there?  
  
Roy: Well, it turns out that the chief watches the show! He let me go.  
  
Gregoski: Stupefied by my mad camera skills, no doubt.  
  
Roy: No doubt. Get back behind the camera, we need to finish this special about Eddie!  
  
Gregorski: Right! Hey, dude, gimme my camera back. You can go home now.  
  
(He takes the camera back, and focuses on Roy. The other guy walks off.)  
  
Roy: So, Eddie--  
  
(Frankie runs up just then, shoving Roy out of the way once more.)  
  
Frankie: Hey, E.D.E, I heard about you and that whole joining a party thing! What is this? You're supposed to be an NPC rapper!  
  
Edward: I didn't really have a say in it, Frankie.  
  
Frankie: Now that you've forsaken the title of NPC, you're not as famous as you once were! I'll be the one who makes it big, now! Mwahaha!  
  
Gregorski: (from behind the camera) Excuse me, Frankie, Sir, could you please look directly into the camera?  
  
Frankie: Huh?  
  
(He turns and looks at the camera. There's a long dramatic pause, and the angle, lighting, everything, it's so dramatic. Suddenly Frankie bursts into tears.)  
  
Frankie: It's so...so brilliant... Oh my god... I can't stand it... (sob, sniffle...) That's it, E.D.E, I give up! I've been enlightened! Rap is not the way! (sob) I swear I'll change!  
  
(He runs offscreen, crying.)  
  
Roy: You didn't have to be QUITE so good, Greg.  
  
Gregorski: (from behind camera) Sorry, I underestimate my own ability.  
  
Edward: ... Well that was easy enough. Thanks for securing my place as the world's first NPC to make it big in the rap industry!  
  
Roy: No problem!  
  
Gregorski: (from behind camera) He means me, Roy.  
  
Roy: Oh...  
  
Edward: See ya, dudes!  
  
(He runs offscreen.)  
  
Roy: ... Why was I hardly even in this report?  
  
Gregorski: (from behind camera) It's okay, Roy! Now we can go back to the studio and you can watch all the awesome footage I shot today!  
  
Roy: Ooh! Let's go!  
  
(They walk off.)  
  
Roy's Narration: That was the adventure in Maranda. ... I'm surprised nobody's asking me what it was like being in jail. Anyway, tune in next time for our special on Earthbound! This is Roy Marcus, saying good night.  
  
THE END 


End file.
